On losing a loved one

Few times in our lives are more devastating than the death of a loved one. Losing a loved one, be it a brother or sister, father or mother, is always hard and emotionally devastating. But nothing compares to the utter desolation that is caused by the loss of a child. Nothing.

It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting-children are not supposed to die. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation".

Recently a friend of five decades lost his brilliant son, while still in his prime, to a mindless, random crime on the streets of a city half a world away from him. While his friends rallied to his side, the fact is that no words could provide even a modicum of solace to the bereaved parents. In such times, the only comfort is the memories of the past..

Sometimes when such a loss occurs, but at a distance, it is paradoxically easier to bear its emotional trauma. I remember when a few weeks ago my aunt- who had been like a mother to me for almost four decades- died half a world away from me, the loss was immediately painful and overwhelming. But I was half a world away and could continue with the illusion that she was still around. I continued to hear her voice in my head and see her in my dreams. It was as if she was still there and that when I returned home it would be as it had always been. Time heals and so by the time I would return, perhaps the scabs would have covered the painful wound, the environment would have changed, her house would not be the same and everything would not remind one of her at every step.

But if one had been present at the bedside at the moment of death, it certainly would have been different. Every moment afterword would then have been a reminder, every voice, every scent would have conjured the loved one and the loss would have dug ever deeper into the soul. It is also why husbands rarely long outlive the demise of their wives. It has been said that widowers tend to express their loss as one of "dismemberment," as if they had lost something that kept them organized and whole. "Everything reminds me of her" as one recent widower wailed. It has been described as "being lost without a compass" usually due to the profound loneliness that follows, often leading to profound depression and then an early death.

It is this perhaps why most religions advise developing a remoteness and distance, as one grows older and prepares for death. For Mors certa — hora incerta, "Death is certain, only the hour is uncertain." As one becomes older the feelings of a lifetime pile up and any loss – and there will come these losses almost at regular intervals- would soon drain the emotional reservoir built up over a lifetime. Buddhism urges us to “make therefore an island for yourself."For death in Buddhism is not indeed the absolute end — but it does mean the breaking of all ties that bind us to our present existence, and therefore, the more detached we are from this world and its enticements, the more ready we shall be for a peaceful end.