A Very Indian Wedding ..in the US

Indian mythology says that there are eight different types of Hindu marriages. But as Indians have emigrated to different countries, particularly in the last fifty years, new traditions are emerging which struggle to blend tradition with modernity in marriage customs.

The most common form was the Brahma marriage, where a boy is eligible to get married once he has completed his Brahmacharya (student hood) and where the grooms family seeks out a suitable bride for their son. Then there is the Gandharva marriage, which is similar to love marriage, since it is without the knowledge of the parents. There are other marriages such as Daiva, where the bride is married to a priest, Arsha where the bride is given in exchange for two cows and married to an old sage, Prajapatya where the bride’s father goes in search for a groom for his daughter. In the Asura marriage, the groom is not suitable for the bride but willingly gives as much wealth as he can to cement the marriage. And there is the Rakshasa marriage where the groom fights battles with the bride's family, overcomes them, carries her away and then persuades her to marry him. Paishacha marriage is the eighth and last type of Hindu wedding but it is considered as the inferior type of marriage, since the girl's wish is not considered and she is forced to marry the person chosen for her. In Hindu dharma, marriage is viewed as a sacrament and not a contract and is performed in Sanskrit.

The traditional Indian wedding customs were formulated more than 35 centuries ago. Each ceremony, each occasion, and each ritual thus had a deep philosophical meaning and purpose. In the early days in the US, there were, however, no Brahmins around since most of the immigrants tended to be engineers or doctors. So a detailed checklist was issued by Indian associations for those wishing to get married here explaining the various customs, which read, in part: “The auspicious wedding day begins with the Mangal Vadya, the playing of the Shahenai, a traditional reed flute- like wind instrument of Indian Classical Music, and the Noubat, the small drums. The groom arrives with his family and friends at the entrance to the wedding hall and is first greeted by a young maiden, the bride's younger sister or niece, holding a water pot to quench his thirst. Next, the bride's mother welcomes the groom performing a ceremony to ward off the evil spirits he may have encountered on the way to the wedding. He is then asked to break the Saapath (the earthen clay pot) symbolizing his strength and virility and is then led to the Lagna Mandap where the wedding ceremony is to be performed.”

“The bride is brought to the Lagna Mandap by her Mama (maternal uncle) and is seated behind a white curtain, a symbol of traditional barriers. After the bride's father thanks the Gods, the curtain is removed and the couple exchange flower garlands. The bride and the bridegroom exchange garlands, made up of cotton threads, to proclaim acceptance of each other. The wedding ceremony begins with the worship of Lord Ganesha, the remover of all obstacles and Varuna, Lord of the Seas. A copper vessel containing water, flowers, and coconut is worshipped followed by the worship of the five basic elements of creation, namely fire, earth, water, air, and light. The bride's parents invoke the Gods and tell the groom, "On this Holy Occasion, we will give our daughter who is a symbol of Lakshmi, Goddess of Prosperity, to you in the presence of the Sacred Fire, friends, and relatives." The couple is then united by placing the bride's right hand in the groom's right hand. The ends of the scarves worn by the bride and the groom are then tied together signifying unity. The couple vows to remember the Divine; to look upon others with sympathy, love, and compassion; to be strong and righteous; and to show goodwill, respect, and affection to each other's families. The marriage is solemnized before the Lord Agni (the Sacred Fire) who is the symbol of light, power, and purity and acts as the principal witness to the ceremony. The invocations and offerings are also made to Lords of the nine planets to remove all obstacles and bless the bride and the groom. The bride and the groom circle the fire four times. The groom leads the bride in the first three rounds. The bride, representing Shakti, the Divine Energy, leads in the last round. At the end of each round the bride's brother or cousin gives offerings for the Sacred Fire. The first three represent the material wealth of cows, silver, and gold. The last one represents the gift of the bride herself to her new family. At the end of the ceremony, the bride stands to the groom's left, where she has taken a place closest to his heart. The groom offers Mangal Sutra (a sacred necklace made of black beads) to his wife and places Sindoor (a red powder) on her forehead. Both signify the mark of a married woman and symbols of his love, integrity, and devotion towards her.”

“The bride and groom take seven steps around or toward the sacred fire representing the seven principles and promises to each other:
1. Together, we will acquire energy to share in the responsibilities of married life.
2. Together, we will fill our hearts with strength and courage to accomplish all the needs of our life.
3. Together, we will prosper and share our worldly goods and we will work for the prosperity of our family.
4. Together, we will cherish each other in sickness and in health; in happiness and in sorrow.
5. Together, we will raise strong and virtuous children.
6. Together, we will fill our hearts with great joy, peace, happiness, and spiritual values, and
7. Together, we will remain lifelong partners by this matrimony.

With the Saptapadi—the taking of seven steps by the bridegroom and the bride jointly before the sacred fire- the marriage becomes complete and binding when the seventh step is taken. The bride and groom are now united and seek blessings from Lord Vishnu the Preserver and his consort Lakshmi, The Goddess of Wealth. The couple then seeks blessings from the Gods, parents, and elderly relatives by bowing to their feet. Married women from the family bless the bride by whispering "Akhanda Saubhagyawati Bhav" (blessing for abiding marital happiness) in the bride's right ear. The last ritual of the ceremony is where the bride begins an important role in her life as a wife and a member of the groom's family. She throws a handful of rice so that the house of her childhood remains prosperous and happy. The bride and bridegroom then retire to a bedroom suitably decorated with flowers and outside their room, a glass full of almond laced milk is placed as stimulant for the rigors of the wedding night.”

Prior to the Hindu Code Bill in 1953, there were no restrictions on polygamy, child brides or on dowry. Now however, the Indian penal code prescribes severe punishment for such acts. In fact the immigrant Indians, newly rich, in the US sometimes seek to kindle their connections with their old traditions by reverting back to some of these antediluvian, and illegal customs. So dowry in a disguised form has emerged in the form of requests for cars and houses from the family of the bridegroom. Rituals are extended over three to five days in a bid to outdo the neighbors. Sometimes this means that modernity is going backward. Fortunately the families reverting to the old are few and what is emerging is a hybrid mix of the old and the new which is fascinating.

Over the past few years, internet has replaced the old methods of finding a spouse. Portals like e-harmony.com provide opportunities for young Indians to look for a suitable mate. The Indian portals like shadi.com, however, still provide for parents to do the short listing of candidates!

In ancient times, the bridegroom never saw the bride till the wedding day. But now he goes to the parents of the bride to formally seek their permission to propose. He then takes his bride to a restaurant, kneels and proposes to her with a diamond ring along with a glass of champagne.

As in the past, the bride’s family traipses to the bridegroom’s house carrying gur and a gold coin along with sweets and presents. Sweets are often replaced with chocolates. These, called “shagun” are really meant to “reserve” the bridegroom for the bride. Once the bride’s mother has accepted these gifts, she is honor bound to continue on with the marriage.

The bridegroom used to come on a white horse to the bride’s house for the wedding. But now a white Mercedes-Benz does the trick.

The marriage is still solemnized under a lagna pandal but since now it may be within a hotel, the pandal is not constructed with banana plants but is instead a wooden frame draped with flowers. The sacred wooden fire is often replaced with gas lit flames due to fire restrictions within the hotel.

The bridegroom has to wear a dhoti but now there are ready made and tied dhotis that can be strapped on while the bride can wear jeans below her lovely sarees.

Gold retains its power as a gift but now a bridal registry is seen as a more practical alternative.

The best change however is the fact that the five days of festivities are now compressed into one day or the time the hotel will allow for a booking.

And as for that glass of milk outside the room. It is now champagne in an ice bucket in the room!