Wait, wait - whats your hurry?

I belong to a family of procrastinators or at least to the half that is not a procrastinator. My wife and son however are definitely charter members of the tribe. The important thing about them though is that they are very very creative in the excuses they come up with for delaying actions- from the phases of the moon being not just right to genetic predispositions or emotional trauma suffered early in life. The common part of these explanations is that it is the gods that are really responsible and that they have no control over their actions in the face of forces beyond their ken.

Alexendra Petri explains the rationale behind procrastination in this fun piece in a recent Washington Post article.

" I have, in theory, been working on this piece," she says," about How Not To Procrastinate for the past month. In theory. I would have finished it earlier, but I wandered off to eat a sandwich and do some laundry that had been piling up for weeks, and then YouTube suddenly became very interesting, and then it was 3 a.m. and I had accomplished nothing."

But according to her it the struggle is what counts. " In my defense, I procrastinate only on really important things. I live by the John Perry-Robert Benchley theory of structured procrastination, which states that the most effective way of appearing to get a lot of things done is to always be procrastinating on one big project. “Anyone can do any amount of work,” said Benchley, “provided it is not the work that he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”

" This has always worked for me" she explains. "The trouble is that sometimes I need to finish an actually big project, and the only way of doing that is to commit myself to something even bigger. I am, for instance, working on a book. It has, comfortably, been the largest thing I have had to do for the whole year, and in consequence I have been able to write all kinds of other things. Plays. Screenplays. Graffiti. Unnecessarily thorough Yelp reviews. As the deadline crawls closer, I have been possessed by the creeping terror that in order to finish everything on time, I will have to agree to an even more gigantic commitment, by, say, adopting a small child. There is no other way. This is just how I have always lived." 

Apparently one of the most effective ways of procrastinating is by convincing yourself that what you are doing is not procrastinating, but working. In order to be in a good mood to write, you tell yourself,  you need to have an iced coffee, peruse your facebook page on the internet, do research for your work. As Burton Rascoe said, “What no wife of a writer ever understands is that a writer is working when he’s staring out the window.”

Before the Internet, you had to put real work into procrastinating. Benchley had to subscribe to illustrated magazines so that he could look at pictures of Animals Doing Cute Things. But he still did it, because procrastinators have their own professional pride.

Being a procrastinator, like being late, is a sign of optimism. It is because you have confidence in your powers. Most people would have to start this project weeks ago to do it well,” you tell yourself. “But not me, because I am Captain America.” Superheroes, you reflect, are always saving the day at the last minute. You never see the Avengers come to a burning building six hours before it gets set on fire to evacuate everyone in an orderly manner. No, they always show up just when it’s almost too late. That’s what makes it impressive.

“A good writer is a good reader,” you remind yourself, as you read through the Huffington Post and other miscellanous web sites while waiting for the creative inspiration to strike.

 You can also procrastinate by hunting online for Ways to Stop Procrastinating! Unfortunately,most of these suggestions boil down to: “So, you want to quit procrastinating? Here’s a suggestion! Try not putting things off until the last minute!” which is roughly the same as saying, “You want to not be late? Try showing up to things on time!”

Then there are Web sites for procratinators- kind of AAA for the usually late. Admittedly, a Web site that discourages you from procrastinating is like a T-shirt promoting nudism. There is even one called WriteOrDie that literally eats your words if you do not type fast enough. Then there  are apps “iWillNotProcrastinate,” or "There’s EndProcrastination Hypnosis", which boasts that “Hypnosis is proven to be the most effective method to eliminate procrastination and get more done. Do you avoid important tasks until the last possible minute? Are you a master of finding unimportant activities to do so you can delay doing the important ones? By changing your subconscious thoughts, the End Procrastination Hypnosis promises it will help you  get things done on time. After listening for just one to three weeks, you’ll begin to notice how liberating it is to complete important tasks quickly and easily", the site claims.  

However, few people actually finish the course. They have more important things to do!