The experiment that failed- part 2

I have just returned from the hospital, weak as a kitten having lost ten pounds and most of my abilities to ambulate. I can barely walk and even sitting down is a painful exercise. All this were the after effects of my brave experiment to rapidly get off dialysis through what the doctors called "cold turkey". I was cold all right but not in a very nice way. 

The experiment had started on jan 5. Two weeks later- on jan 24- my son's family arrived for a joyous three weeks stay with us. During this whirlwind period, we were busy with my grandson and there was little time to worry about anything else. The family left for Vietnam on February 14 and our life started returning to normal. 

It was around the end of the month that I started noting little tell tale signs in my body's slowdown-the appetite dwindled, there was weakness in the legs and energy levels seemed to have dropped rather sharply. Of course, I attributed these changes to the fact that we had led a hectic life for a couple of weeks and were now slowing down along, with the depression that inevitably comes when your family leaves behind an empty house. 

But two weeks ago a few lab readings showed that slowdown was much more than that. The bun and creatine levels, the two major indicators for the level of toxicity in the blood, had climbed back to risky levels. Indeed the latest reading on March 1 indicated a return to the hospital. On March 10, Dr Burka, my nephrologist, decided that these levels were too high and the experiment had to be curtailed. There was no choice but to resume dialysis. The catheter was reinstalled and dialysis restarted on the same day. Thus the experiment came to an unsuccessful, inglorious end.

"Did we learn anything from this experiment? " I asked Dr Burka.

"Yes"he replied sadly," We learnt that your body cannot do without dialysis".

"Do you think we can try again after the body has recovered sufficiently?"

He was noncommittal but his body language spoke that that was an unlikely event. But I was not likely to give up. It was true that I was in depression after this failure and happiness or joy seemed to be an elusive quality for me then.

But happiness isn't the opposite of depression -- resilience is. Most people didn’t get where they are just by sailing through life without any negative experiences or failures, I reasoned. But rather most of them distinguished themselves by their ability to get right back up every time they fall, a truism reflected in countless inspirational quotations on the power of perseverance (In the words of Winston Churchill, "It is the courage to continue that counts."). 

So how do resilient people differ from those who become paralyzed by every failure and setback? I asked?

Now building resilience isn't about blind optimism, I learnt, but rather than looking only on the bright side and pushing away negative emotions, resilient people let themselves experience what they're feeling in any given situation, whether it's good or bad. The resilient person isn’t papering over the negative emotions, but instead letting them sit side by side with other feelings. So at the same time they’re feeling ‘I’m sad about that,’ they’re also prone to thinking, ‘but I’m grateful about this.'

They're generally realistically optimistic.  A recent Taiwan National University study found that adopting an attitude of "realistic optimism," which combines the positive outlook of optimists with the critical thinking of pessimists, can boost happiness and resilience. "Every time realistic optimists face an issue or a challenge or a problem, they won't say 'I have no choice and this is the only thing I can do,'They will be creative, they will have a plan A, plan B and plan C."

They "reject rejection."  Rejection chips away at our self-esteem and confidence, making us fall harder with each subsequent setback or failure. "Rejection also steals our joy." But rejection is inevitable, and coping with it effectively is essential to becoming resilient. 

They build strong support systems.  When you get knocked down hard, it's important to have the resources to help you get back up again, which includes having people to lean on. A 2007 study found that social support can actually boost resilience to stress.

They notice (and appreciate) the little, positive things.  Resilient people are good at tapping into their "positivity ratio,”. This means that they notice and appreciate the little joys and victories -- which keeps them from feeling like "everything" is going wrong. Research has shown that a three-to-one ratio of positive to negative experiences is ideal for building resilience and boosting happiness. 

They seek out opportunities for growth and learning. Resilient people seek out growth experiences that boost self-reliance and individual decision-making skills, which gives them confidence in their ability to bounce back from failure. "As a sense of competence increases, individuals are better able to respond effectively in unfamiliar or challenging situations and persevere in the face of failures and challenges," 

They're endlessly grateful. Gratitude is known to boost health and well-being -- and those who are thankful may enjoy better physical health and mood than those who focus on hassles and complaints.

So there we are, back to the future and I am left pondering, redesigning my life once again.

I am now learning to walk, step by step, with the help of a walker. Once again I have to learn how to navigate around the house and to get in and out of the car without tripping. It is a fascinating period when my body refuses to obey my mind. And each step has to be carefully plotted and then faithfully executed. Long term planning becomes essential for any but the most minor movements. It is truly beginning life anew at least physically.

Rejection is rough, no matter how you slice it. But it's also an inescapable fact of life, and our ability to deal with failure and rejection has a hand in determining how successful and happy we are.

I am keeping count of how long it takes me to come back to normal!