Sometimes deep concern and kind words have unintended consequences. Unbeknown to the caller they can make you face the harsh reality of your condition and issues that seemed to have slipped into the background in the daily grind of day to day life. Suddenly these well meant words force you to confront that what you had been subconsciously avoiding- the fact of your mortality.
This happened to me last week.
The phone rang in our apartment and my wife picked it up. On the phone was my mentor and friend of almost forty years. My wife explained my medical condition, my month long stay in the hospital and nursing home and that I needed dialysis three times a week to survive. There was dead silence on the line as he absorbed this tragic news.
"What have you done to yourself" he said to me. "You are so young and there is so much you could do...." Then his voice broke and there was silence.
His wife said that he was very emotional and was crying and could not speak.
"That is all right", I told her gently, "tell him I am now at home and recovering slowly and that he should not worry."
The conversation was soon over but it had left an indelible impression on me. His sorrow had forced me to face up to my real condition. It was true that I was recovering but it was also amply clear that it was but a holding action. Some five years ago when my doctors had prognosed that I may have but a few months left,I had written my will, drafted a living will and helped my children select the urns for my ashes. I had gone through The Kübler-Ross model, commonly referred to as the five stages of grief, or dabda
Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" And finally,y
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
But perhaps I had not truly completed any of these tasks beguiled by the early signs of a recovery. . But had I really? Could it be that I had only gone through those stages but superficially? That I had not really reached acceptance?
Those few kind words had dragged me back to face my grim reality.
Living while your death is imminent is a time that is both pressured and precious. It is pressured as a result of all the demands and stresses that life-threatening conditions have imposed and will continue to impose on you. You have already have made changes in your daily routines and have found yourself interacting with unfamiliar health systems or care providers. You are experiencing loss of energy, difficult symptoms, or limitations in what you can do.
Still, this is also a very precious time in your life. It is a time you will never have again. This is the overriding thought that will echo repeatedly through your mind. In this precious time, you can make choices that will affect the quality of your life now and in the near future. Your choices can also affect the lives of others around you in important ways, both now and well into the future.
I found that I was not alone in this. “It’s not really the dying that’s so hard; dying takes no skill and no understanding. It can be done by anyone. What is hard is living—living until you die; whether your death is imminent or a long way off . . . the real challenge is to fully live the time you have.” Reflects kubler-
Making today count involves coping with the challenges and possibilities presented to you, addressing any unfinished business that might be important to you, and doing so in whatever ways you might choose. After all, this is your life you are living. You cannot control all of its aspects, but you can influence at least some of them. And you can continue to be hopeful, even as you share important words of parting with those you love. For example, I knew I wanted to leave memories and advice for my little grandson. I had started writing " letters to my grandson". Now I needed to complete it.
.As the serenity prayer says:
"grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace"
As they say "Don’t stop living before your life ends. Live your life as fully as you can each and every day. After all, you’re not dead yet!"
Sent from my iPad
This happened to me last week.
The phone rang in our apartment and my wife picked it up. On the phone was my mentor and friend of almost forty years. My wife explained my medical condition, my month long stay in the hospital and nursing home and that I needed dialysis three times a week to survive. There was dead silence on the line as he absorbed this tragic news.
"What have you done to yourself" he said to me. "You are so young and there is so much you could do...." Then his voice broke and there was silence.
His wife said that he was very emotional and was crying and could not speak.
"That is all right", I told her gently, "tell him I am now at home and recovering slowly and that he should not worry."
The conversation was soon over but it had left an indelible impression on me. His sorrow had forced me to face up to my real condition. It was true that I was recovering but it was also amply clear that it was but a holding action. Some five years ago when my doctors had prognosed that I may have but a few months left,I had written my will, drafted a living will and helped my children select the urns for my ashes. I had gone through The Kübler-Ross model, commonly referred to as the five stages of grief, or dabda
Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" And finally,y
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
But perhaps I had not truly completed any of these tasks beguiled by the early signs of a recovery. . But had I really? Could it be that I had only gone through those stages but superficially? That I had not really reached acceptance?
Those few kind words had dragged me back to face my grim reality.
Living while your death is imminent is a time that is both pressured and precious. It is pressured as a result of all the demands and stresses that life-threatening conditions have imposed and will continue to impose on you. You have already have made changes in your daily routines and have found yourself interacting with unfamiliar health systems or care providers. You are experiencing loss of energy, difficult symptoms, or limitations in what you can do.
Still, this is also a very precious time in your life. It is a time you will never have again. This is the overriding thought that will echo repeatedly through your mind. In this precious time, you can make choices that will affect the quality of your life now and in the near future. Your choices can also affect the lives of others around you in important ways, both now and well into the future.
I found that I was not alone in this. “It’s not really the dying that’s so hard; dying takes no skill and no understanding. It can be done by anyone. What is hard is living—living until you die; whether your death is imminent or a long way off . . . the real challenge is to fully live the time you have.” Reflects kubler-
Making today count involves coping with the challenges and possibilities presented to you, addressing any unfinished business that might be important to you, and doing so in whatever ways you might choose. After all, this is your life you are living. You cannot control all of its aspects, but you can influence at least some of them. And you can continue to be hopeful, even as you share important words of parting with those you love. For example, I knew I wanted to leave memories and advice for my little grandson. I had started writing " letters to my grandson". Now I needed to complete it.
.As the serenity prayer says:
"grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace"
As they say "Don’t stop living before your life ends. Live your life as fully as you can each and every day. After all, you’re not dead yet!"
Sent from my iPad
No comments:
Post a Comment