Why we complain

One of the most common complaints is that people complain too much! Being such a common activity, it is worth examining why do people complain?

According to research, some of the reasons why people are too often prone to complaining are :

Sometimes We Need To "Vent": Like a shaken bottle of carbonated goodness, when we are under pressure, we can sometimes feel the urge to "explode" in complaints. Letting it all out can relieve the inner tension we feel from a difficult situation, and help us feel ready to face the next frustration. Sometimes we just need to blow off steam by expressing ourselves.

Validation Feels Good: Often when we are frustrated or feel wronged in some way, feeling emotional validation from another person is like a salve for our bruised egos. Hearing someone say, "I know how you feel. I'd be frustrated too!" can feel like a warm hug. After getting some quick validation, like scraped-up children who have just received a kiss from mom, we feel confident to venture back out and face our problems.

Solutions Can Feel Even Better: Approaching a problem as a team can pool the strengths of several people at once. Complaining to others about what is bothering you opens you up to their input, and perhaps some solutions you hadn't thought of. People often engage in complaining as a way to ask for help.

We May Need Another Perspective: When we are too close to a situation, it is common to see only our own perspective, and to see the problems we face as magnified and sometimes distorted. Sometimes it helps to tell a trusted friend what we are facing and see if there is something we're not seeing, or if there's a different way to look at the same situation. If we are open to hearing new input, it can be quite helpful to step outside of our own point of view, and see what others think of our complaints. Sometimes looking at something in a different way can dissolve our anger and frustrations, or can open up new solutions and possibilities for coping.

We May Need To Build Motivation: Sometimes we know we need to make a change, but simply aren't ready to take the risks and put in the effort quite yet. We need to build motivation. Focusing on what is difficult about a situation can be a way to build motivation to make a change. It's part of the process of getting there.

Complaining Gets Things Done: Just as "the squeaky wheel gets the oil," sometimes voicing one's complaints is a way to get things fixed. If you complain to someone who is in a position to make changes, and if you use a diplomatic approach, complaining in this way can be much more effective in relieving stress than can saying nothing, since the "polite complaint" approach can get results!

     

Complaining, however, can be damaging as well. When a few venting sessions turn into a continual habit, or a few people venting their frustrations turns into a group of constant complainers, we get into more stress-inducing territory. But remember while complaining can be a means to build motivation, it does tend to keep the focus on the problem rather than on potential solutions. If you spend too much time complaining, you can work yourself into a place of resigned acceptance, of sheer rage, or of feeling "stuck," rather than of motivation to change.

 Research shows that there are many benefits to an optimistic outlook, and pitfalls to apessimistic one. Attitudes can work like habits--we get used to thinking a certain way, and we start automatically taking that perspective. A habitual focus on the negative can bring a habitually pessimistic perspective. For when you focus on the things about which people chronically complain, you risk becoming more and more angry. This anger can take on a life of its own, and you can start feeling more angry about more and more things. This anger can lead to relationship and health issues, and is not good for you.

Unfortunately complaining can be contagious. What might start as a group of people offering one another validation and solidarity can sometimes begin to resemble an angry mob. If you find that you and your friends habitually complain about the same things and don't feel better afterwards, it may be time to look at new topics of focus.

    

The problems we complain about often need solutions, and the stress of these challenges must be minimized and managed. Clearly, complaining has some benefits and can be a way to relieve stress, in small doses. But excessive complaining about the problems, big or small, just isn't an effective solution. Cut out complaining, and you're much more likely to see the world with optimism and gratitude.

But how do you stop complaining? Here are some some strategies:

Thought-Stopping: This is a technique that many therapists recommend for a variety of issues, because it works well. When an undesirable thought enters your head, you literally interrupt it with the mental image of a stop sign or the word "stop!", and move on to a different thought.

Journaling: Writing in a journal brings many health and wellness-related benefits. This activity can also provide a great opportunity for venting frustrations, and keeping it to yourself. When you find that your hand is cramping, that can be a signal to start writing about more positive things. The trick to effective journaling is to write about the problem and your feelings about it, and then brainstorm solutions and see the positives in your situation.

Seeking Support: The support of trusted friends and family can be a wonderfully effective stress reliever. Hopefully, most of us are lucky enough to have some supportive and wise people in our lives to talk to when we're down. Instead of complaining to them (for too long), we can laugh with them. And sometimes a little complaining can bring validation or potential solutions, which make it easier to let go and move onto happier topics.

Remaining Grateful: Focusing on the positive things in life can be a wonderful distraction from the negatives. Building gratitude has been shown to be an effective tool for stress relief as well. And it's hard to complain when you're thinking about how lucky you are! 

Taking Action: The urge to complain comes from a dissatisfaction with something that's going on in one's life (often coupled with a feeling of inability to change it). Complaints can be a signal that action is needed, so the next time you feel the urge to complain, focus instead on possible plans to change your circumstances--even if you're not ready to act on them, having a short list right there can help you to move out of focusing on what has you feeling "stuck," and toward what will help you to feel better!

Cultivating Optimism: It's much easier to drop negative habits by replacing them with positive ones. Replacing negative thoughts and words with optimistic ones brings so many benefits, it's worth trying even if you're not planning on giving up complaining anytime soon. 

For Buddhist practitioners, several meditations act as healthy antidotes to the habit of complaining. Meditating on impermanence is a good start; seeing that everything is transient enables us to set our priorities wisely and determine what is important in life. It becomes clear that the petty things we complain about are not important in the long run, and we let them go.

Meditating on compassion is also helpful. When our mind is imbued with compassion, we don't see others as enemies or as obstacles to our happiness. Instead, we see that they do harmful actions because they wish to be happy but don't know the correct method for attaining happiness. They are, in fact, just like us: imperfect, limited sentient beings who want happiness and not suffering. Thus we can accept them as they are and seek to benefit them in the future. We see that our own happiness, in comparison to the problematic situations others' experience, is not so important. Thus we are able to view others with understanding and kindness, and automatically any inclination to complain about, blame, or judge them evaporates.

Meditating on the nature of cyclic existence is another antidote. Seeing that we and others are under the influence of ignorance, anger, and clinging attachment, we abandon idealistic visions that things should be a certain way. 

In his Guide to a Bodhisattva's Way of Life, Shantideva counsels us, "If something can be changed, work to change it. If it cannot, why worry, be upset, and complain?"