The bane of critics

Most of us are familiar with the story of the scorpion who persuaded a frog to carry him across a river. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion argues that if it stung the frog, the frog would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog agrees and begins carrying the scorpion, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When asked why, the scorpion explains that this is simply its nature. 

So it is with many people. It seems they can't help  cricizing others or running them down. It is true that there some people  who genuinely feel they know more and that they have an obligation to set people right - whether it is in the correct prunciation, or table manners, or social customs. They feel they are best placed to give advice and that everyone should pay heed to their superior wisdom.

 But why is this so? Why do some people criticize and put people down. Here are some reasons for their behavior:

1.  Many smart people think that they are just being realistic. They want to help and whip the other person to shape before they get hurt. Yes, they agree that they could do it in a nicer fashion but they strongly believe that being nice may not drive home the point.

2. This is their style and that is who they are – it’s hard for them to change their way now. Many don’t seem to have a problem with their abrasive style and some of them said they are working on changing it for the better.

3. Some of the smart people are surprised that they come across as “extremely critical.” They thought that they were just having a heart-to-heart conversation.

4. Some smart people think that their caring can come across as “being critical.” If they didn’t care they would have not participated in the discussion in the first place. Once they start participating, all stops were removed.

5. Some smart people thought that they were so passionate on that topic that they got carried away.

6. They are just honest and they really think that focus has to be on the message and not about the way the message is delivered. It is unfair to penalize for honesty, they feel.

While all of the above make sense, there was another really important hidden reason and here it is:

7. Criticizing others is the side-effect of the critics constant need for approval. Let me explain:According to the critics's point of view, if he put everyone down then he will be the only one left who is worthy.

But what motivates some people to criticize and put others down?

It seems many smart people seem to need on-going approval from the world that they are smart. The keyword is “on-going” – meaning they are not satisfied with getting the validation once but they need to get it again and again and again.There are two ways of getting that validation – one is the “long term” route and the other one is the “instant gratification” route.

The “long term” route requires “real accomplishments” that will create a “Wow” response from the audience. It is not surprising that “real accomplishments” take a long time because if it took any less time, many people would have done that and it would no longer be “unique enough” to elicit a “Wow” response. So if someone is very smart, they may shave off “some time” from creating something “remarkable” but it DOES take significant time. Also, since nobody has the “midas touch” all their hard work may go waste (when it comes to public recognition) if their project is not a hit.

The “instant gratification” method is seemingly easy. It only takes a few minutes to prove that someone else is not as smart as they are. It is by criticizing someone’s else’s smart idea. If they can prove in a matter of seconds that the “smart idea” that was presented was really “not that smart” then chances are that you may appear “relatively smarter” than the person who originally presented the idea. The “instant gratification” method is like a “shortcut” to getting that much sought after approval. It is a way of getting that relative “ego boost” with very little effort as compared to the effort required in the “long term” approach. Start giving them that “ego boost” and they get used to it and criticizing others will become their second nature. It is a trap and they won’t even know they are in one.

 Why do they behave like this ?

My experience of people that are always criticizing others is that they are deeply unhappy, have a low self esteem and perhaps even depressed. When people are depressed, sad or insecure often the world becomes very dark and they do see the enemy everywhere. Some people are very jealous of other people's success and deeply resent it. They then start to 'act' out.

It can also be a form of projection. They project onto others what they feel about themselves. When they call you a loser, really this is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. It is likely too that they consider this how you think about them so they get the insult out there first. The more unkind they are to you, the more distance you create between you, and this results in them trying harder to get your attention.

They may feel rejected and try with inappropriate means to re-establish a connection. Look at how 'naughty children' behave when trying to get attention. The attention grabbing efforts are always negative and not positive. Is it possible this person has yet to learn these methods are not effective!

It is rally the classical "The Narcissist's Dilemma"

Those afflicted with this narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) show themselves woefully incapable of retaining any emotional poise, or receptivity.

Although narcissists don't (or won't) show it, all perceived criticism feels gravely threatening to them (the reason that their inflamed, over-the-top reactions to it can leave us so surprised and confused). Deep down, clinging desperately not simply to a positive but grandiose sense of self, they're compelled at all costs to block out any negative feedback about themselves. Their dilemma is that the rigidity of their defenses, their inability ever to let their guard down almost always guarantees that they'll never get what they most need, which they themselves are sadly--no, tragically--oblivious of.

To better grasp why narcissists are so ready to attack others and so unable to deal with being attacked themselves, it's useful to understand something about their childhood. People aren't born narcissistic--it's powerful environmental influences that cause them to become so.

Briefly, in growing up future narcissists had many reasons to doubt whether they were good enough. Neglected and ignored, or constantly disparaged and berated by their parents, they were held to unrealistically high standards of behavior. And their caretakers were quick to judge them whenever they failed to live up to such unreasonable, perfectionist expectations. As a result, they couldn't help but feel defective and insecure, doubting their fundamental worth as humans. In most instances, neither did they feel cared about or wanted. If narcissistic adults project an air of importance, superiority, entitlement, and grandiosity, it's a pronounced reaction (or over-reaction) to the massive self-doubt that, frankly, they keep well-hidden beneath the self-satisfied facade they present to others.

The narcissist's marked lack of accurate empathy for the feelings, wants, and needs of others is all too well known. But what is less appreciated is that this deficiency represents an unfortunate consequence of their growing up so preoccupied with their own frustrated needs--and emotional distress generally--that they could never develop sufficient sensitivity to others. Intensely driven to succeed, or at least see themselves as successful, their focus inevitably became myopic, pathologically self-centered. Others simply weren't in their line of (tunnel) vision.

Without any clear recognition of what's motivating them, in their relationships as adults they continue to seek the encouragement, support, and acceptance denied them earlier. Yet, however unconsciously, at the same time they've cultivated the strongest defenses against ever having to feel so excruciatingly vulnerable again. And so when they're criticized, or think they're being criticized (and they're definitely hyper-alert to the possibility), they're compelled to react aggressively, in the frantic effort to avoid re-experiencing the terrible feelings of loneliness, abandonment, or rejection they suffered when they were younger.

All of which indicates just how fragile their artificially bloated sense of self really is. Given the enormity of their defenses, they regard themselves not on a par with, but above others. Yet they're mortally threatened when anyone dares question their words or behavior. Ancient fears about not being acceptable are never that far from the surface, which is why narcissists must forever be on their guard with anyone who might disbelieve or doubt them. For any external expression of doubt can tap into their own self-doubts.

But the final cost of all the narcissist's efforts to ward off what constitutes for them the unbearable sting of criticism is immense. Though not consciously realized by them, their heart's deepest desire is to form an intimate bond with another that would successfully address the huge void their parents' denigration or neglect left in them. But because they're so strongly motivated to avoid re-experiencing this keenly felt hurt, their overpowering defenses prevent them from letting anyone get close enough to assist them in recovering from their pain. 

Blaming and excessively criticizing others to shore up an extraordinarily vulnerable ego, they keep others at a distance that renders any true intimacy impossible. The way they "set things up" in relationships, particularly intimate relationships, makes their self-created dilemma unsolvable. And if they're married, they can be expected to be especially hard on their spouse.

Recall that they need somehow to see themselves as perfect, for they can't perceive anything less than that as good enough for the critical parent they've internalized (who's now "immortalized" inside their own head). Consequently, they're made extremely uncomfortable whenever their mate--implicitly viewed as an extension, or reflection, of their idealized self--reveals an imperfection or makes a mistake. In that moment they experience an irresistible urge to dis-identify themselves from their partner, for their partner is now inextricably linked to parental disapproval and rejection. At such times, they can be extremely unkind--and yes, even brutal--in how they react to them.

In attempting to avoid any resurgence of the acute pain they once felt with their non-nurturant caretakers, they succeed only in muting--or burying--this pain. 

So it seems that these critics are more to be pitied than feared!

“It's easy to attack and destroy an act of creation. It's a lot more difficult to perform one.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk

Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.
Frank A. Clark

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt