Women who have everything…

A few days ago I was searching for a gift for a friend of mine when I suddenly realized that she really had everything and that there was nothing that I could find for her as a gift that she did not already have!

She belonged to a new and growing group of elite women that I know who have everything. They all have achieved tremendous personal success in their careers. And they are unique because their rise has come through their own efforts rather than through family connections or businesses. Many of them are now at the height of their professions. One runs her own international garment business, another is chief executive of biomedical company, a third is head of a large NGO. All have reached the pinnacle of success while still in their fifties and were the cynosure of all eyes in the society they moved and incurred the envy of their contemporaries.

While successful they all shared some rather interesting traits. Most of them were divorced—a divorce initiated generally by them at a rather early stage in their marriage. Since they were all now in their fifties, it was clear that their divorces would have caused them grief in the traditional society they lived in and that this would have been done against the advice of their parents. Here I am speculating.. But the very fact that they had gone ahead with the divorce was an early indication of the steel and determination that lay beneath their mild exteriors. Clearly in most cases, they felt that marriage was or would constrict their creative talents and that they needed to move out of this relationship to carve out a distinct life for themselves. It was a risky step indeed but they had thrown caution to the winds and gone ahead. And leaving the married life despite angry protestations of their parents became the first step in their emancipation.

Once thus freed, they had devoted themselves with fierce determination to making a success of their career. Indeed many of them worked far harder than their male counterparts. Most of them were true workaholics, with one hand permanently glued to a blackberry. Having left prospect of a peaceful family life behind them, they all tended to substitute work for all the joys of domestic life. All of them worked tirelessly and at all hours to prove themselves. And all of them had.

With professional success had come economic independence as well. They all earned sizeable incomes and stock options. They owned the latest cars, dressed in the latest fashions and reveled in gourmet food and the latest wines. All now owned houses- one owned several and in different parts of the world. All took luxury vacations when they could tear themselves away from work, and had financial consultants to help them manage their increasing assets.

Physically they seemed to be in their prime glowing with the health that success inevitably brings. While face lifts and other lifts had yet to penetrate the Indian market except for the very rich, these women did spend considerable time at gyms or spas or with personal trainers to ensure that they remained in vigorous trim.

So here they were all these women who seemed to have everything—career success, economic independence, and physical freedom. What more could they want?

So I asked some of these high flying women “what do you lack in your life?”

One of them paused reflectively and replied in a pensive voice: “It is true that we have financial and professional security but what many of us lack is emotional support and security. “

Lacking a life partner, most of these women sought this emotional security and comfort in their families. All became were very close to their parents and siblings and spent an extraordinary amount of time with them. Some adopted a child and lavished their love and care on them. Others became god parents to their nieces and nephews and doted on them lavishing presents on them on all occasions.

But just as poverty brings problems, too much wealth too brings its own unique sets of problems as well. They find that a whole range of people becoming increasingly dependant on them. Family retainers often become family extortionists. Having achieved some considerable financial wealth and having no heirs to pass this onto, they often become, many times unwittingly, the expected generous aunts to their varied nephews and nieces. These in turn create new dilemmas for when the time comes to allocate their wealth, they do not know if they should treat them all equally or to play favorites, often causing rifts with their siblings.

Others still searched for their ideal soul mate even using the internet to find them. But even in this search, there was ambivalence. Did they really want a prince charming at this stage of their lives? Did they really want to give up their hard earned independence for emotional security?

“Would you consider marriage at this stage?”, I asked one of them.

“ No” she replied, “ one, it would be exceedingly difficult to find a soul mate at this stage of my life, and two, I may find one but if he becomes unwell – after all statistically men are more likely to die early or have terminal diseases—I will have to leave my career to tend to him and become his caregiver for the rest of my life. I am not sure that that would provide me with any emotional security at this stage of my life either. So, marriage no, but companionship, perhaps.”

“But what happens if you fall sick? Who will look after you and tend to you?”

This does give them pause. Being physically fit at this age, they find it difficult to imagine a time when they will encounter a serious illness or need hospitalization. It turns out, in the absence of any close family; they tend to rely on their close friends to fill this emotional need and help. It is no wonder that most of them have really close friends that they spend time with and whose friendships they nurture with considerable avidity.

And what about a lonely old age? Are they afraid of being left ignored in some corner while life passes by as they retire. Actually the reverse. In general it is women who are better able to deal with old age than men. Women find it easier to develop new hobbies- in most cases it is gourmet cooking or travel or art. Many move into volunteer activities and their lifetime of experience in the corporate world gives them considerable advantage over others. So instead of dreading life after retirement, these successful women often welcome the opportunity of using their remaining time in more useful ways.

These women are true pioneers of a new lifestyle as they continue solving the varied problems that their new life poses with considerable creativity and élan. As for that gift, a bunch of flowers perhaps?