The sins of the fathers…

Sometimes the sins of the fathers do dog their offsprings and in unintended ways. So it is with fathers and their daughters.

Even as most fathers laud the career success of their daughters, they simultaneously fret that she may lack completeness in her life in the absence of a husband and children. And this dilemma only increases with time as, with every professional advancement, the daughter becomes even more difficult to find a mate for. And yet this predicament is at least partly of the fathers making.

Let me explain. In an earlier generation and during the freedom struggle, one of the leading beliefs among the freedom fighters was that the country would not advance without the education of women, that backwardness could only be cured by making sure that women had equal rights and opportunities, that much of societies ills – dowry , sati, etc—stemmed from a lack of economic independence among women. Thus in this generation there was a special emphasis on the education of girls. and that they were treated on par with the sons. Our generation, too, had taken this to heart. I remember telling my children that they should have a professional education. Underlying this was the belief that if the daughters had an education, they would have economic independence and hence not be subject to infliction of hurt by demanding in laws, an unjust husband and that even in case of widowhood; they would be able to support their family by themselves. That was the original theory but as in all theories, it had unintended consequences.

As these daughters grew, they took their education seriously and were dogged in their pursuit of professional excellence. And they became independent in every way including the search for a mate. This was after all the era of equal rights for women.

Of course, most fathers in this generation had originally only wanted their daughters to treat education as a sort of a safety net and not as a profession. They were to be educated but then marry and settle down as normal housewives. For that was the normal tenor of life. What these modern fathers had not bargained for was that this education would lead their daughters to pursue careers with as much zest and passion as their male siblings. This is the kernel of the dilemma today.

These educated daughters far from agreeing to settle down to felicitous domesticity, started querying whether sacrificing a professional career they had worked so hard to develop, should be so easily given up for just any husband. And as they progressed upwards in their professional careers, finding a suitable match became increasingly difficult in their busy lives. Their ambivalence was made worse by looking at some of their contemporaries who had studied to become lawyers or doctors but who had had to give these professions up due to demands of marriage. Many had chosen to follow their husbands sacrificing their budding careers for his. Others who had chosen to follow dual path careers found life difficult when children arrived. Balancing motherhood, wifehood and a career brought pressures they were not really willing to embrace eagerly.

So they dallied hoping against hope for a resolution. But time only made the quandary worse. Of course not all faced this dilemma- many did find their own mates and settled down to domestic life. But for many women now in their thirties, the remaining options start narrowing rapidly.

Most still hoped to find a mate who was mature and independent and close to their imagined prince charming and one not afraid of aggressive, successful females.My own hard charging cardiologist realized her predicament when her parents died and she had no siblings. She had always been an aggressive career driven person but approaching her forties she realized she was all alone. So in a typical organized fashion she logged on to many of the dating sites and within two years found her soul mate. She is now married with a beautiful son and pursuing her profession as a research scientist. So it is possible but needs first, recognition of the issue and then persistence in finding a solution.

Another approach is articulated by Lori Gottlieb in a controversial article who posits that women need to accept men who are “Just good enough husband” material. “You have a fulfilling job, a great group of friends, the perfect apartment, and no shortage of dates. So what if you haven’t found The One just yet. Surely he’ll come along, right? But what if he doesn’t? Or even worse, what if he already has, but you just didn’t realize it?”

Maybe single women everywhere needed to stop chasing the elusive Prince Charming and instead go for Mr. Good Enough. Most women keep holding out for deep romantic love in the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make them happier. Another opines “I would say even if he’s not the love of your life, make sure he’s someone you respect intellectually, makes you laugh, appreciates you … I bet there are plenty of these men in the older, overweight, and bald category (which they all eventually become anyway).” In short marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion.

Some women have opted to skip the husband and marriage routine altogether. A number of women I know have gone ahead and adopted a child even without a husband. Times have changed indeed and this is no longer frowned upon even in traditional societies like India. Of course they do face the problem of all single mothers albeit with a difference in this case the child is really wanted and the father would not run away. A supporting family is normally a bulwark but the absence of a male figure growing up would remain leaving at least some lack in the child’s life.

Or they could become like some women who have everything —career success, economic independence, and physical freedom. Everything that is except a husband and perhaps a child.

Some of these fathers, who had proudly lauded the success of their daughters, often rued in private, their liberal decision to educate women. It is as if they were saying, we should have educated them but not so much!

But most of the fathers I know were unashamedly proud of their daughter’s achievements and were adamant that if they were to do it again, they would still go ahead and educate their daughters so that they could achieve their potential even if it meant a lifestyle different from the traditional one they had hoped for.