On friendships - part 2

I have written in the past on friendship and how it is indeed the nectar of life, a plant that needs to be watered constantly to provide that wonderful aroma that enriches your life. Lately I have started wondering if friendships among males are different from that of females. Two incidents from my own life illustrate the nuances of this.

Some two decades ago, one of our close friends died of a heart attack on the tennis court in Bombay. I was in Delhi and the moment I heard of it I boarded a plane to Bombay. Bishnu was in Calcutta and he too similarly boarded a plane bound for Bombay. We met at a third friends place and set off to our friend's house. His widow sat there surrounded by her family but her face lit up when she the three of us enter the house. There were no words said. Only a long hug and a kiss but they said a lot to her and gave her real joy that his friends had gathered from long distances to be there on this sad day. We only spent a few hours in the house before leaving on our several professional journeys, but the memory of that day has remained with me for a number of reasons. On these occasions words are not often not necessary, your presence says it all.

Similarly when the daughter of a dear friend of my wife passed away, she started packing for the long journey from Washington to Delhi without a thought. She spent the next few weeks in Delhi with her friend to provide comfort and solace in those difficult times. A few years later when I was stricken with a possibly fatal heart attack, this same friend too packed away her legal practice to come and spend time with us. I still remember here massages during those dark days. Here too no words were needed. Her presence bolstered my wife no end and was of course for me a godsend.

But are there are no differences between the way friends react in times of grief? And indeed is it any different from their pleasure in our times of triumph and joy?

Men might not be physically or emotionally expressive but they derive great support from their friendships. Researchers say women's friendships are face to face: They talk, cry together, share secrets. Men's friendships are side by side: We play golf. We go to football games. 

Men have must, trust, just,and rust friends. A must friend is the best friend a man absolutely must call with earthshaking news. A trust friend is liked and trusted but not necessarily held as close as a must friend. Just friends are casual acquaintances, while rust friends have a long history together and can drift in and out of each other's lives, essentially picking up where they last left off. Understanding the role each of these types of friends play across men's lives reveals fascinating developmental patterns, such as how men cope with stress and conflict and how they make and maintain friendships, and how their friends keep them active and happy. Men's conversations deal with the doing of things rather than the feeling of things. In his research, Dr. Greif found that men generally resist high-maintenance relationships, whether with spouses, girlfriends or male pals. When picking friends, "men don't want someone who is too needy," he says.

Studies show that in their late 20s and 30s, women have a harder time staying in touch with old friends. Those are the years when they're busy starting careers and raising children, so they don't have time to gather for reunions. Money is tighter, too. But around age 40, women start reconnecting. Before the 1990s, researchers assumed this was because they had more time for friendship in their 40s, as their children became self-sufficient. But now researchers consider this middle-aged focus on friendship to be a life stage; as women plan the next chapter of their lives, they turn to friends for guidance and empathy.

Men, meanwhile, tend to build friendships until about age 30, but there's often a falloff after that. Among the reasons: Their friendships are more apt to be hurt by geographical moves and differences in career trajectories. Recent studies, however, are now finding that men in their late 40s are turning to what Dr. Grief calls "rusted" friends—longtime pals they knew when they were younger. The Internet is making it easier for them to make contact with one another.

Men compartmentalize their needs; they'd rather turn to male friends to momentarily escape from their problems. The new buzzword is "bromance." The fact is as men, we feel the need to camouflage our sensitivity, but that does not mean we are not sensitive. Men often have their own quieter ways of showing their feelings. These are evident during times of joy and grief.

But underlying even these differences lie the fundamental basis of friendship. Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

As Thomas Jefferson said " friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine."