In the face of grief

Many are the times that we sit in the face of grief, tongue tied and at a loss for words. When a tragedy strikes a close friend or relative of the family, our first instinct is to rush to them to offer solace and support. But once we are in their presence, we rarely know what to say or how to articulate the deep love and grief we want to share. So we sit often facing them in silent contemplation of the loss we have suffered and through some osmosis convey what is in our hearts.

I thought of this when in recent times I faced these truths and reflected on what were the different ways the face of grief emerged.

A few years ago we were in Goa and heard that our friend of many years was ailing. So we hired a car and set off to see him in his far off casa. He was asleep so we made small talk with his wife. But when we were about to leave, she insisted that he would never forgive her if he did not come out to greet us. So he was woken and soon emerged. We were shocked to see him- his face had wizened, his gait was slow and uncertain and he looked really frail - a shadow of the energetic lively presence that we had been accustomed to. Of course, that had been at least three decades ago but still the mental image we had of him had not changed. For a while we were at a loss to speak. Perhaps sensing our surprise, he started to talk in a rather strong voice of our past associations, of how he had sat in a helicopter with me when I had taken him and other journalists to see Bombay High offshore installations, how he remembered me dealing with official files during the journey using a golden pen,how he drew cartoons for my wifes magazine. And his memories put us at ease and we spent a lovely lively afternoon with him sipping tea and exchanging remniscienes. He died soon thereafter but our memories of him now mingle with his early days and his last years.

In another case, we had gone to see a friend who had lost his wife of three decades uncertain how we would offer him consolation. But found that he wanted to share his memories and really wanted us to only listen to him talk about her last days and the courage and dignity with which she had faced her pernicious disease and its aftermath. And that is all we did. 


When faced with a grieving person it is often hard to know what you should or should not say to them. You want them to know that it will be okay and eventually get easier. You also want to express your condolences and let them know that you are there for them. Grief is a very personal, raw and vulnerable period of one's life. There are things that you might mean well by saying, but they do not want to hear. People who are in a state of grief are very emotionally vulnerable and trying to work through feelings that they never thought they would be faced with.  

I find that in the face of grief all you really need to do is to be present and to listen to their story if they so want to speak. But if they are silent, you should speak of the happier times that you shared with them. Saying "I am so sorry" or "I am here for you" are the best condolences that you can give. This does not insinuate that you know how they feel, or that things will get better. You are simply offering to be there for them and that is the most important thing.