Mothers and sons - part 2

Responses to my last blog on mother and son were interesting albeit a trifle predictable--after all few mothers of grown sons read blogs! Thus the emerging consensus of these replies was that the only solution was for the " apron strings to be cut" if there was ever to be a healthy relationship between mother, son and his wife. That, however, in many cases, is easier said than done.

Of course if the widowed mother lives some distance from the married son, the inherent tensions are usually muted.Then the only complaint from the mother to the son is " you never call me".

But if the widowed mother is compelled by choice or chance to live with her married son, the apron springs miraculously reappear bringing in its wake all the attendant tensions. She finds it hard to give up her role as the matriarch after a lifetime in that role while the wife seethes since she feels it is her role to be the head of the household. The mother thus alternates between acting as matriarch and becoming a "baglady"/nanny/cook subconsciously seeking to earn her keep. Sadly neither role fits and tensions keep bubbling under the surface. The only successful households that I have seen are where the widowed mother has taken to prayer and worship leaving the household to the daughter in law or where she develops a new life for herself as a worker in a charitable organization or with a new hobby. Then her role is clearly defined as the honored guest in the house and the font of wisdom and advice. However this is difficult to continue and often the old tensions reemerge that the hapless son is unable to mediate.

Paradoxically, it is the entry of another woman in this triangle- one whose writ runs large, who brooks no dissent and who increasingly has the ultimate decision on most matters -- that the issue usually gets resolved.It is no wonder that both wife and mother often repair to her to get him to do what needs to be done-- from " Dad, you are driving too fast" or "Dad, your cigars smell" or " why are you not taking my mother out on your anniversary". For what she says goes. And so many a dispute gets resolved and harmony returns to the household!!